False Profits
Stardate: 50074.3
Original Airdate: Oct 2, 1996
By Chakoteya
The Story
‘Captain's Log, Stardate 50074.3. We
have detected evidence that a wormhole recently appeared and then
disappeared in a nearby solar system. We're on our way there to
investigate.’
Kim and Chakotay have been examining the sensor
readings and concluded that wormhole last appeared 6 months ago,
but isn’t fixed at this end. Janeway is optimistic that
because it keeps turning up in the same region here, it might
be fixed at the other end. They start looking for neutrinos and
inhabited planets where they could get more information. Tuvok
picks up signs of Alpha Quadrant replicator use on a Bronze Age
planet nearby and Janeway’s eyes light up. However, she
first orders a scan of the planet so that Chakotay and Paris can
go down there disguised as natives to find the replicator, while
Kim and Torres examine the wormhole signature to see what else
they can learn about it.
‘Captain's Log, Stardate 50074.5. Based
on information provided by the probe, we have replicated local
attire for Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Paris. They have
gone to the surface to investigate.’
Chakotay surreptitiously uses his tricorder
in the market place to try and track down the replicator, when
a wandering poet, patch over his right eye, comes reciting the
first verse of the ‘Song of the Sages’. He is after
money for the next verse, but is pushed away by another merchant
who has spotted Tom and Chakotay’s top quality shoes. They
turn down his offer to sell them a house, or transport, but when
he tells them they must be wearing ‘ears’ to approach
the temple – source of a dampening field – they end
up trading Tom’s clogs for two necklaces.
‘Captain's Log, Supplemental. I've been
asked to join Lieutenant Torres and Ensign Kim in the Science
Lab to hear what they've termed as "very exciting news".’
The two technical wizards have worked out
that the wormhole does lead to the Alpha Quadrant, and that their
best move would be to make it appear where they want it to, rather
than have to go chasing after it all the time. They just haven’t
figured out how to do that yet.
A gong sounds in the market place and the
temple door opens. Out walk three scantily clad women, followed
by a man pushing a large box, then two Ferengi! The box turns
out to be the replicator, and the two officers move away to confer
with Captain Janeway whilst the crowd is instructed in the Rules
of Acquisition. A petitioner asks for food and medicine, only
to be sold a cheap copy of the Rules which he really does not
want and cannot afford. They see the replicator in action before
the group retreat back into the temple again.
‘Captain's Log, supplemental. The away
team has returned with some very disturbing observations about
the situation on the planet.’
Chakotay and Paris brief the senior staff
on the situation. Before the Ferengi arrived and claimed to fulfil
the local legends, the society was flourishing. Now the people
are in poverty while their Sages take all the wealth for themselves.
Tuvok has found the logs of the Barzan wormhole negotiations seven
years ago, and how Arridor and Kol went into it never to be heard
from again. Captain Janeway has no intention of leaving the two
Ferengi here to continue contaminating the Takarian culture, and
Torres and Kim’s plan to get the wormhole back by using
verteron particles is going to plan, but the slightest thing could
throw it off and anyway it won’t stay very long once it
does open. Tuvok points out that the Ferengi are not bound by
the Prime Directive, but they are as they should not interfere
with what is now the natural course of this society. Janeway points
out that the Federation hosted the negotiations which led to the
Ferengi being here in the first place and therefore they are duty-bound
to correct the situation.
Arridor and Kol are mid-argument about the
lack of profits from Ga’nah province when they find themselves
standing in Voyager’s transporter room. Captain Janeway
informs the pair that they will be returning with her to the Alpha
quadrant, either back through the Barzan wormhole or the long
way around. Kol is deeply dismayed at the prospect of losing their
profitable situation, but Arridor is a quick thinker. He points
out to Janeway that their arrival did match the prophecy in the
Song of the Sages, and who is to say that they are not fulfilling
that prophecy by their presence? With no way to counter his argument,
she orders them returned to the planet.
The senior staff come to the conclusion that
they need to persuade the ‘Sages’ to leave voluntarily,
thus avoiding any trauma to the Takarians by having their ‘gods’
suddenly vanish without explanation. Arridor has rigged a force-field
around the town square to prevent any more unexpected beam-outs
when there is a banging on the temple door. Kafar, their major
domo, is sent to see who it is. Another Ferengi, carrying the
staff of the Grand Nagus, pushes his way in and announces himself
as the Grand Proxy. He claims to have come through a temporarily
stabilised wormhole to inspect their operation and take them back
with him to see the Nagus. Kafar looks delighted at the news.
Arridor tries to persuade the Proxy that one of them needs to
stay there to administer the planet and ensure continuing profits.
He could take Kol back? This is turned down and they are told
to prepare the people for their departure, including thanking
them for their generosity – 299th rule of acquisition ‘Whenever
you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way it’s
easier to exploit them the next time.’ Kol points out that
there are only 285 rules, but they have been gone a very long
time. They have 20 minutes to prepare their farewell speech. The
Proxy picks up a couple of bags of coins and goes outside, taking
Kafar with him.
Chakotay and Paris, back in local attire,
are watching the Grand Proxy give away money to the people in
the market square. They admire Neelix’s performance as a
Ferengi while Kafar and the sandal maker look on in amazement.
Inside, Kol and Arridor decide what to do when they don’t
like the message – kill the messenger. When Neelix walks
back into the temple they attack him with two very large swords,
totally failing to make contact with their wild swings. In fear
of his life, Neelix confesses who he really is, and flees out
into the market square to break the bad news. The trio are heading
for the shuttle when they are confronted by the poet, patch over
his left eye this time, who recites another verse and demands
money. Caught out about his bad eye by Paris, he offers yet more
verses but Chakotay interrupts him, asking what happens to the
Sages at the end of the poem. In return for his shoes, they hear
about 3 lights in the sky and a Holy Pilgrim coming to take the
Sages back to the sky on wings of fire.
So Neelix goes to the temple steps and announces
himself as the Holy Pilgrim. The commotion brings Arridor and
Kol outside to meet a crowd which, at Paris’s instigation,
begins to chant ‘lead them back, lead them back.’
When Arridor claims that he is a false Pilgrim, Neelix proves
his credentials with 3 lights in the sky – actually 3 photon
bursts from Voyager. Kafar comes forward to bang the gong, causing
pain to the Ferengi’s ears, and persuading the crowd to
prepare the wings of fire for the Sages to leave on.
The wings of fire turn out to mean being burnt
at the stake, so Chakotay and Paris dash into the temple to disable
the dampening field by the simple method of destroying the machine
by phaser fire. Tuvok is able to get a lock on the away team and
the Ferengi, and they are beamed out as the flames catch on the
bonfire. The prophecies have all been fulfilled and the Takarians
are free and happy.
Arridor does not want to leave without his
possessions, but Chakotay curtly tells him that his is lucky to
be alive, and his shuttle has been beamed into the shuttle bay.
With only 7 minutes before Voyager enters the wormhole the pair
are taken to secure quarters. They never get there. Murphy is
found unconscious on deck 2 and the shuttle bay door is phasered
as the Ferengi make their escape back to the planet. Chakotay
tries a tractor beam but the wormhole’s gravity prevents
him from getting a lock and the transporters do not work either,
but Arridor creates a graviton pulse to block them anyway, just
in case. All this does is attract the wormhole to them and they
are pulled in as it moves away from Voyager. The starship cannot
get to it in time and it closes. Kim reports that the graviton
pulse has caused the wormhole to jump erratically on both ends
now.
As Kafar give back the rest of the money that
the Ferengi had taken from the people, Voyager jumps to warp,
leaving a trail in the sky. The Holy Ones are going home.
Review
You can almost hear the discussion in the
story breaking session. ‘We need a comedy, but not with
the Doctor.’ ‘Well, we usually use the Ferengi for
comedy these days, there aren’t any on Voyager. Are there?’
‘Wasn’t there a Next Gen episode where two Ferengi
went off into a wormhole to the Delta Quadrant?’ ‘Yes!
The Price!’ We’ll use that as our start point.’
And so they did. Just to keep the trivia fans
happy they got Dan Shor back to reprise the role of Arridor, and
also got Michael Westmore to dig out Ethan Phillips’s Ferengi
mask from ‘Ménage a Troi’. Then set about having
fun. The result is nothing spectacular however. This is a holdover
from season two, made before Flashback, so Janeway is still bound
by Starfleet regulations and incapable of telling Arridor and
Kol that she doesn’t care a fig about the Takarians losing
their gods. Chakotay plays token spiritual advisor, with cheeky
chap Paris as his sidekick on the away team jaunt. Poor Ensign
Murphy (object of Torres’ romantic attentions way back in
Prime Factors) has to get hit on the head in order to get the
EMH and Kes on screen for 10 seconds. Three precious photon torpedoes
are wasted on a light show as well.
Although the Ferengi scenes are fun, they
are nothing special. Anyone who has encountered Deep Space 9 will
recognise a pale variant of Quark the greedy and Rom the idiot
in Arridor and Kol. Ethan has fun with the Grand Proxy/Holy Pilgrim
scenes, but the best turns are the Bard with the mobile eye patch,
and Kafar the Sages assistant with his subtle manipulation of
the situation and his great pleasure at getting rid of them. As
for the reason for the episode, getting the wormhole open so they
can go home, well, when it comes to it there is very little urgency
about it. Which is no surprise, as there is no chance of Voyager
getting home by a short cut just yet. I wonder where the Ferengi
ended up?
In conclusion, an average show, light-hearted,
but suffering from being shown out of sequence in the production
run as it wrecks the flow of Janeway’s development.
Grade: 5/10
Cast:
Kate Mulgrew as Kathryn Janeway
Robert Beltran as Chakotay
Roxanne Biggs-Dawson as B'Elanna Torres
Jennifer Lien as Kes
Robert Duncan McNeill as Tom Paris
Ethan Phillips as Neelix
Robert Picardo as The Doctor
Tim Russ as Tuvok
Garrett Wang as Harry Kim
Guest Cast:
Alan Altshuld as Sandalmaker
Michael Ensign as Bard
Leslie Jordan as Koll
Rob LaBelle as Kafar
Dan Shor as Dr. Arridor
Creative Staff:
Director: Cliff Bole
Teleplay By: Joe Menosky
Story By: George A. Brozak
