The premise of Creature from the Haunted Sea is that the Cuban government has been overthrown and is on the run. And they’re taking the treasurer with them. In order to smuggle out a crate of gold, famed crook Renzo Capetto is retained to take it aboard his ship and sail it across the ocean. Along for the ride is a Cuban general, his assistant and several soldiers. But Renzo doesn’t want to deal with the Cubans and comes up with the perfect plan: kill the Cubans and blame their deaths on a sea monster.

Making up Renzo’s crew are Pete Peterson Jr. (played by Beech Dickerson), who just loves making animal imitations, Happy Jack Monahan (played by Robert Bean), Mary-Belle’s brother, and Sparks Moran (played by Edward Wain), an inept secret agent attempting to stop Renzo. Sparks falls in love with Mary-Belle and wants to take her away from her life of crime. The fact that she wants nothing to do with him means nothing.

Renzo, Pete and Happy Jack kill one of the Cubans. But another turns up dead as well. There’s a real monster on the loose! After wrecking the ship and sinking the crate of gold, the group lands on an island and begins diving for the gold. Renzo and the others also start picking off additional Cuban soldiers. Pete and Happy Jack both find love on the island, but Happy Jack’s new love wants Sparks. So Happy Jack finds a new love in the form of the daughter of Pete’s love.

The monster kills Happy Jack’s new love and then kills Happy Jack as well, angering Mary-Belle. The surviving Cubans attempt to kill the monster but it instead kills just about everyone else. Ultimately, only Sparks Moran and his new girlfriend survive the vicious attacks while the monster lives to kill another day. It’s a hilariously cheesy looking monster, almost indescribable. Big white eyes, a costume that is supposed to look like seaweed (I think) and giant flippers.

It’s a short movie, though, and doesn’t run long enough to really start annoying.

These subliminal images are hilarious. And the storyline? I thought it was more or less a solid suspense thriller but not frightening at all. And to be quite honest, it wasn’t much of a horror movie. There were no supernatural elements to speak of, no paranormal events or monsters. In fact, Terror in the Haunted House is really something of a misnomer and I actually prefer My World Dies Screaming.

The movie stars Gerald Mohr and Kathy (Cathy) O’Donnell as Philip and Sheila Justin, newlyweds with a big ole problem. Sheila has terrible nightmares of a house and a staircase. She doesn’t know what is so frightening about the staircase but it terrifies her to no end. So, when Philip takes her back to the United States and drives her right up to the house from her dreams, she’s understandably unnerved. There’s a creepy man named Jonah taking care of the house who apparently sabotages Philip’s car so they can’t leave.

For Philip, the house offers an opportunity for Sheila to work through her nightmare. But Sheila doesn’t feel the same. The owner of the house, Mark Snell, eventually shows up. He knows Philip and decides to stick around for a few days. He insists that Sheila should leave. Philip is eventually revealed as Philip Tierney, the last of the Mad Tierneys, who lived in the house decades before. Sheila lived nearby and played with Philip, falling in love with him in the process. But Mark and Sheila determine that poor Philip is just as mad as his grandfather was when he killed is own sons with an axe.

Whew. What a lot of family drama. Does Philip really want to kill Sheila? The movie certainly makes it seem like he does. Mark is forced to leave Sheila alone in the house with Philip. But she can’t shoot him when he makes his way into her room. Instead, she declares her love for him. Astonishing. Maybe she’s the crazy one (she did spend some time in a sanitarium as a child). She offers to do anything to help Philip. Anything but go up into the attic. But that’s just what Philip wants!

It was about this point in the movie that things started falling into place. Philip wasn’t crazy at all. Mark (his cousin) was. And it wasn’t Philip’s grandfather who killed his father and uncle, it was Jonah (Mark’s father, married to Philip’s aunt). Sheila had been in the attic when Jonah attacked with the axe and the experience gave her a mental breakdown. Mark, who had earlier killed Jonah, attempts to kill Philip but instead impales himself on the back end of an axe. Philip and Sheila live happily ever after and the world knows that the Tierneys weren’t mad.

I was amazed at the resemblance between Gerald Mohr and actor Pernell Roberts (of Bonanza fame). At times I honestly thought it was Adam Cartwright on the screen. And during the climactic showdown between Mark and Phillip, actor John Qualen (who played Mark) looked an awful lot like Adam West. It made for unusual viewing. Cathy O’Donnell was suburb as Sheila, especially her screams.

Here’s one of the subliminal images:

Subliminal Image from Terror in the Haunted House

Horrifying.

Anyway, Tim Holt does a fine job as protagonist John “Twill” Twillinger. Hans Conried works well as brainy scientist Dr. Jess Rogers. His lovely assistant, played by Audrey Dalton, provides the required love interest. The monsters themselves, with their big eyes and even bigger shells, aren’t particularly frightening but do appear well-constructed and manage to do a significant amount of relatively believable damage.

The plot wasn’t anything special, starting off as many such movies do with a few mysterious deaths. Twill begins to investigate and brings some tissue samples to Dr. Rogers for analysis. That’s where he meets Dalton’s character, Gail MacKenzie, and her cute daughter Sandy. An unfortunate young couple taking a leisurely swim are killed (take a look at Barbara Darrow in that fetching bathing suit) and before long Twill and Dr. Rogers meet one of the horrifying mollusks face to disgusting face.

An attempt to destroy the mollusks with undersea explosives is believed to be successful. But it wasn’t. There are still more mollusks roaming around killing. If just one survived, it could eventually destroy the world (after first challenging it, of course). So, a new plan is put into action. The mollusks will be tracked down and destroyed. Of course there’s plenty of time for Gail and Twill to have a nice romantic dinner. It’s not like people are dying and the hole world is being challenged or anything.

There are two climactic moments in The Monster that Challenged the World. The first sees Twill and another man attempting to once and for all destroy the mollusks with explosives. At first, things go smoothly. When one of the charges doesn’t activate correctly, however, the mollusks wake up and nearly kill both men. They get away just in time for Twill to rush back to the good doctor’s laboratory to save Gail and Sandy from one last mollusk.

Poor Sandy, worried about the bunnies in the lab, is the one who revives the mollusk. The poor bunnies don’t make it. Gail and Sandy take refuge in a closet and Gail tries to get Sandy out through a window before giving up and sobbing hysterically, telling Sandy to close her eyes. It’s a sad display but soon enough Twill arrives, grabs a fire extinguisher and kills the mollusk. There was an axe right behind him and it’s a mystery to me why he didn’t start hacking the beast rather than hoping to freeze it.

Within moments, the beast is killed in a hail of gunfire. Gail and Sandy are fine and dandy and the three walk off hand-in-hand, happily ever after.

McClure’s commitment to his role of David Innes and Cushing’s oblivious Dr. Abner Perry helped At the Earth’s Core more or less hold my attention. But it was the beautiful Caroline Munro as Princess Dia that kept the movie from being a total waste of time. The dinosaurs were awful, though, just awful. The scene in which two dinosaurs fight to the death by ramming one another with their horns was painful to watch. And not because I felt for the dinosaurs (they actually looked more like pigs than dinosaurs).

The movie was probably twenty minutes too long with several unnecessary scenes of climbing and walking through caves. There was also a minor plot involving a jealous caveman who wants Princess Dia for himself that didn’t add much to the movie. The villainous bird things that rule the land with their telepathic fists weren’t terrifying in the least. Their dive bombing attacks on sacrificial cave people were funny, though.

The friendship between David and a brave caveman named Ra (played by Cy Grant) made for some nice scenes. The final confrontation between David, Ra, other cave people and the bird things was disappointing. Ra was the big hero but he died in the process of saving everyone else. Why didn’t the bird things just fly away when they were attacked? At least Cushing got off a great line: “You cannot hypnotize me! I’m British!”

David and Perry ultimately return to the surface world but Princess Dia stays behind, much to David’s regret. In her final scene she’s wearing a terrifically revealing white outfit that seems to defy gravity by sticking to her curves. Double edged tape, perhaps? Munro didn’t have a particularly large role in the movie but it was a memorable one. I can’t strongly recommend watching this movie, because it isn’t really all that good, but McClure and Cushing do their best and Munro looks ravishing. So it isn’t all bad.

My clearest memory of watching The Giant Gila Monster is the scene in which Chase Winstead and the sheriff jump in Chase’s car and head off for the scene of an accident (I believe it was Chase’s boss and his truckload of gasoline that had exploded). Chase asks if he can “open it up” and the sheriff agrees, so Chase floors it and the two fly off down the road. Don Sullivan gave a very fine performance as protagonist Chase Winstead.

Lisa Simone, who played Chase’s girlfriend, didn’t do all that much screaming in the movie, which is commendable. She wasn’t just a damsel in distress (which isn’t to say she had all that much of a role). Chase was the star of The Giant Gila Monster, bravely facing down the giant Gila monster in between songs, as numerous friends and fellow townsfolk are brutally killed.

It was interesting that the sheriff leans so heavily on Chase in times of crisis. He’s an older gentleman but even that doesn’t explain why he comes to Chase time and time again. Chase is the one who comes up with a way to kill the monster (nitroglycerin!) and he’s the one who drives the jeep loaded with said nitroglycerin into the monster, leaping out just moments before it collides.

It’s impossible to take The Giant Gila Monster but the climactic scene in which the giant Gila monster attacks a barn full of fun-loving teenagers was actually a little exciting. The monster pokes its head through the walls and the poor police officers fire at it uselessly with their rifles/shotguns. It then rambles off across a field. Chase and Lisa are soon speeding towards it, carefully holding the nitroglycerin, and before long the monster is burnt to a crisp. A happy ending.

I found the non-Godzilla portions of the movie very dull. I didn’t care at all for the main character, Takuya Fujita, or his relationship with his ex-wife, Masako Tezuka. And the character of Kenji Andoh, apparently a secretary of sorts, was laughable at best. Still, the fight scenes were fun and we got to see not one giant moth but two: Mothra’s evil twin/counterpart Battra. According to the Cosmos, an ancient civilization attempted to use technology to control the weather, prompting the Earth to create Battra or Black Mothra.

Battra destroyed the civilization’s weather machine and then went berserk. Mothra defeated Battra but in the process Earth was flooded and just about everyone died. Battra and Mothra apparently then went into a dormant state. Mothra awoke due in part to the meteor impact and more generally due to global warming. The Cosmos worry that Battra will also wake up. And he does, joining the battle between larval Mothra and Godzilla, which ends with Godzilla and Battra presumably buried deep in the ocean.

Later, the Cosmos go missing! They’ve been stolen by an evil corporation. An angry Mothra crawls through Japan looking for the Cosmos before eventually stopping and building a cocoon. Adult Mothra, adult Battra and Godzilla battle anew. Mothra and Battra eventually join forces to fight Godzilla with Mothra even sharing some of its life essence with Battra, who was wounded by Godzilla.

Eventually, Mothra and Battra fly Godzilla out into the middle of the ocean. Battra is killed in the process but Godzilla is dropped into the choppy waters with Battra close behind. Japan is safe … for now. Unfortunately, Battra was apparently charged with stopping another meteor from hitting Earth in 1999. With Battra dead only Mothra is left to save the planet!

As I said, the portions of the movie not involving Godzilla, Mothra or Battra were boring. I suppose the fractured relationship between Takuya and Masako was supposed to parallel the relationship between Mothra and Battra. Or maybe it had nothing at all to do with Mothra and Battra and I’m desperately trying to find a reason for its inclusion in the movie. Was it just to pad the run time? Would it have been more interesting if I wasn’t forced to read subtitles?

Also, I wonder if a later movie addressed the prophesied meteor strike…

Not having done any research for this review I can’t say with authority that the actors and actresses playing teenagers were in their thirties but it certainly looked that way. There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, Frankie Avalon was already 24 when Beach Party was released in 1963. But Avalon at least had the youthful exuberance to pull it off. None of the actors in The Horror of Party Beach even seemed to be really trying. To be fair, I don’t think any of them were actually professional actors, and most never had another acting job. So I suppose they did the best they could.

The thin plot of the movie involves radioactive sludge being dumped in the ocean. Somehow a whole slew of horrific monsters are born from this black, oozing mass, and they must feed on human blood! Meanwhile, a bunch of teenagers are having a beach party complete with singing, dancing and even a fight. Tina, a party girl who breaks up with her boring boyfriend Hank and then dances wildly in the sand, eventually wanders off by herself to get some sun and is soon killed by one of the monsters. Her mutilated body washes up on shore.

Somehow, a scientist by the name of Dr. Gavin gets involved in the investigation of Tina’s death. His daughter, Elaine, wants to jump Hank’s bones but has to go to Tina’s funeral instead. Dr. Gavin’s housekeeper, a tasteless stereotype, is certain voodoo is somehow involved. Perhaps the most memorable scene in the movie takes place when a slew of girls at a slumber party are disemboweled by three or four of the monsters. Elaine was supposed to go to the party but decided against it.

Another three girls drive into town to get gas and, wouldn’t you know it, wind up lost in the woods. Some others manage to escape seconds before they’re attacked by one of the monster (not that they ever see it lumbering after them). The poor hungry monster then tries to snack on a store mannequin, losing an arm in the process of smashing a window. Finally, a break in the case for Dr. Gavin! He can analyze the arm.

The housekeeper, frightened out of her wits at the sight of the arm, knocks some sodium on it, inadvertently discovering a way to kill the monsters. Before long, Henry and Dr. Gavin put the last pieces of the puzzle together: the radioactive sludge came into contact with the bodies of a bunch of dead sailors, turned them into blood-thirsty zombie monsters, and the only way to stop them is to find their lair and toss bucks of sodium at the monsters. Henry is dispatched to New York City to procure the necessary sodium.

Dr. Gavin, the police and Elaine attempt to locate the monster’s home. Elaine, in a brilliant move, decides to head out on her own and actually stumbles upon it. But then she stumbles and gets her foot caught in a rock. This was the low point of an already low movie. Dr. Gavin arrives in time to throw what little sodium he has at one of the monsters, saving his daughter. But now the other monsters are closing in and there’s no more sodium!

Luckily, the police and Hank arrive on the scene with a huge supply of sodium and everyone proceeds to toss handfuls of sodium at the monsters, who immediately burst into flames. In a satisfying ending, Hank and Elaine start dating. It’s not like Henry had a lot of girls to pick from after the monsters killed just about every girl his age.

The Horror of Party Beach is an appalling movie. The monsters are hilariously cheesy and not at all frightening or threatening. Watching it was a truly unpleasant experience and I wouldn’t advise trying it. Some movies are bad enough to be fun viewing; this isn’t one of them. I applaud the cast and crew for trying but really, really wish they hadn’t.

Robot Holocaust

Robot Holocaust, released in 1986 and later MST3K’d, is also an awful movie. A terrible story, atrocious acting, horrible special effects and costumes, everything about the movie is awful. And yet, I’d still say it was more enjoyable than Son of Godzilla. But I suppose that’s not saying much. I honestly found myself close to nodding off by the second half of the movie and not because I was tired.

Robot Holocaust takes place on something called New Terra, years after the robot holocaust of ’33 (2033, perhaps?) when billions of robots rose up and destroyed much of the planet, leaving only one city standing. But the atmosphere of New Terra has been all but destroyed. The terrible Dark One rules over the “air slaves” who provide the fuel to his power station. He provides them with air to breath. There are those are able to survive in the atmosphere.

Neo, a telepath who can breathe outside the city, joins with Deeja (whose father was taken by the robot Torque to the Dark One), Klyton (a freebot) and two others (Bray and Haim, I think) and venture out into the wastelands. They meet a band of women who detest men, one of whom (Nyla) is bested in battle and joins them. They also take Kai, a man the women used for breeding after cutting out his tongue. He never speaks a word during the movie.

There’s a lot of walking as the group makes their way to the power station. They fight really cheap looking “sewage snakes” and some disgusting mutants before finally getting to the power station. The Dark One’s lovely underling, Valaria, torture’s Deeja’s father in search of answers (he apparently found a way to build a small device that allows anyone to breathe outside the city). She doesn’t do a particularly good job of it and spends much of her time saying “Yes, Dark One” and standing around. There’s a subplot about some of the air slaves trying to sabotage the power station but it’s even more pointless than the rest of the movie.

The bulk of the cast was killed off by the end of the movie. Bray and Haim are the first to bite the dust. One was wounded and later eaten by mutants. The other had some sort of snake eat through his stomach. Kai and Nyla die in the final assault on the power station. Neo destroys the Dark One, killing Jorn in the process. He also kills Torque. And Valaria is revealed to be a robot and later dies.

I was actually truly shocked to learn that Valaria was a robot. It certainly raises some interesting questions about her use of the pleasure machine. Just what was that all about? Aside from the obvious (it’s an Orgasmatron!), that is. She steps inside, topless, and then a man and a woman (also topless) walk up holding one of those round lightning machines. She holds it and the slowly spins around while the man and woman dance in the smoke. Later, when the Dark One chastises Valaria for using the pleasure machine, she is wearing a mesh dress, the man and woman (and the smoke) are gone, and she’s just standing there. Weird

Valaria (Angelika Jager) stands in the pleasure machine.

Anyway, what I found most interesting about Robot Holocaust was the fact that much of the cast never acted again. Angelika Jager (Valaria), Andrew Howarth (Kai) and Michael Downend (Jorn) never made another movie. Norris Culf (Neo) was in two other movies — Necropolis and Breeders — both written by Tim Kincaid. Nadine Hart (Deeja) was also in Necropolis, as was J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner (Klyton). Ornsteiner is better known as Dr. Buzz, a forensic psychologist who apparently appears on television quite a bit.

Jennifer Delora (Nyla) is almost entirely deaf according to her IMDb profile, although one never would have known it from watching Robot Holocaust. That profile also states that she was kicked out of the Miss America Pageant after winning a regional crown in New York and wasn’t allowed to participate in the Miss New York/Miss America pageants. Why was she kicked out, you ask? Apparently for briefly appearing nude in Bad Girls Dormitory, a movie written and directed by none other than Tim Kincaid.

Nyla (Jennifer Delora) really hates men.

Someone should really make a documentary about Robot Holocaust and track down everyone involved. I’d love to know how Angelika Jager, with her humdinger of an accent, was cast as Valaria. And what was it like wearing those rubber robot outfits? There are also so many unanswered questions: just what was the Dark One? Who voiced him? Why, after Jorn was absorbed by the Dark One and presumably all his secrets revealed, was Deeja so important? And why were so many of the male characters wearing shoulder pads?

Son of Godzilla

I sat through all 90 minutes of this atrocity. It was terrible. And not in a fun their-mouths-don’t-match-what-they’re-saying kind of way. It was just an awful, awful movie.

Basically, Son of Godzilla follows the adventures of an intrepid photographer who parachutes onto an island where a secretive cabal of United Nations scientists are working on some environmental project. The island is home to giant preying mantises (I don’t recall their existence ever being explained). Also on the island is a giant egg. Inside, the pathetic spawn of Godzilla.

Look! A giant preying mantis! Run!

There’s nothing kind I can say about “Minilla,” as the son of Godzilla is called. He’s a loser. He burps radioactive smoke rings. He likes jumping on Godzilla’s tail. He falls a lot. It’s not cute, it’s not amusing, it’s just sad. Aside from the first movie, I’ve never taken Godzilla seriously. But this? This was an attempt to make Godzilla funny. And it failed. Oh, how it failed.

There are long scenes of Godzilla trying to teach his son how to be a giant killing machine. Manilla learns how to roar and how to breathe radioactive fire. He also learns how to catch fruit thrown to him. These scenes are painful to watch and seemed to go on forever.

Learning how to roar.

The intrepid reporter and the scientists are attacked by giant mantises and their outpost is nearly destroyed. The reporter also stumbles upon a beautiful woman living on the island. Eventually, she reveals herself to all. She came to the island with her father — also a scientist — and has lived their for years. When many of the scientists come down with a tropical sickness, she’s the one who knows how to cure them.

Yup. There's a giant spider.

She also knows about the deadly giant spider living on the island. Don’t wake it up, she warns. It wakes up. The spider is quickly able to dispatch the mantises and nearly kills Manilla, encasing him in sticky webbing. But proud papa Godzilla comes to the rescue, frees his son, and the two commence to father/son tag team the spider. The two win the day.

I’m pretty sure I watched Son of Godzilla at Hulu.com or Fancast.com but it seems to only be available for free at Crackle.com these days. In any case, take my advice and stay as far away from this abomination as you can. It’s truly that bad.

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

The plot of the movie is straightforward: there’s a monster, born of a radioactive rock at the bottom of the ocean, and it’s killing people. A scientist by the name of Ted Stevens (played by Kent Taylor) is sent to investigate. He soon meets one Professor King (played by Michael Whalen) and his daughter Lois (played by Cathy Downs).

Raaaaargh!

I don’t remember why but for some reason Ted initially pretends to be named Ted Baxter. There’s also a subplot involving a mysterious and beautiful woman named Wanda (played by Helene Stanton) who may or may not be a Communist and Professor King’s assistant, George (played Phillip Pine), who is trying to steal the good professor’s secrets. Rounding out the cast are Vivi Janiss as Professor King’s secretary, Ethel, and Rodney Bell as FBI agent Bill Grant.

Ted decides to scuba dive into the monster’s presumed lair to check things out and is nearly killed. After escaping and returning to the surface he almost trips over Lois, who has arrived on the beach to sun herself. Obviously, the two are destined to fall in love. Later, Ted and Bill go scuba diving together to look for the monster and Ted is nearly killed (again). But Bill saves him by firing a spear gun at the monster.

Cheesecake!

Even as it begins to dawn on Ted that Professor King may be involved with the monster, he continues his romance with Lois. There’s a horribly awkward scene at the King residence when Ted shows up while Lois is in the shower. We then see her dressing in the bathroom and Ted later helps zip up her dress. Weird stuff.

Ethel is murdered by George in a hilarious scene on the beach. He uses a spear gun while hiding in the bushes. Poor Ethel. George later tries to kill Ted and Bill but fails and is captured. So is Wanda. Professor King, realizing what his research has led to, destroys all his papers and his electronics and then destroys the monster as well, dying the process. Just before this, however, a freighter blows up after coming into contact with the radioactive light from the radioactive rock.

Harpooned!

There’s nothing to redeem The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues. It’s just a bad movie. A very, very bad movie. The monster is simply laughable, the acting wooden and unbelievable, and the plot all but incomprehensible. Professor King develops some sort of death ray that creates the monster, doesn’t seem to care that innocent people are dying left and right, and then dies in an attempt to destroy his creation.

Hopefully, my painful viewing of this movie will keep others from having to watch it.